


Be Not Afraid

by Scmnz



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angels, Angels don't have good social skills, Awkward Conversations, Gabriel Being Gabriel, Gabriel is a goober but I love him, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 06:44:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19245940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scmnz/pseuds/Scmnz
Summary: Gabriel, God's messenger angel, is sent to inform some humans that they will soon be parents. It does not go as well as he had hoped, and he's not quite sure where he lost them (because it couldn't possibly be him ho messed up).





	Be Not Afraid

**John the Baptist’s birth foretold**

During the rule of King Herod, there was a priest named Zachariah. His wife was named Elizabeth. They were both righteous and devoted to the lord and her commandments, and yet they had no children. Elizabeth was infertile and they were both now very, very old so they had no hope that they would ever have children.

 

One day while doing his priest stuff, Zachariah was chosen to burn incense in the sanctuary. He lit the incense and knelt. There, to the right side of the altar, the angel Gabriel appeared with a loud “Bang”. He had a flair for the dramatic and felt the sound effect was necessary for the occasion.  Gabriel straightened and readjusted his robes.

 

 Zachariah had jerked back in fear and was cowering in the corner of the chamber. Gabriel saw him and beamed.

“Do not be afraid Zachariah! For it is I, the dashing Archangel Gabriel.” Zachariah scooted back, retreating further into the corner in fear. “Oh come on now! Why would you be frightened of me?” Gabriel took another step forward, his smile never wavering. “I come with good news!”

 

“Oh, g-good. Good news. That’s- that’s good.” Zachariah stammered, staring at the glowing angel before him.

Gabriel somehow managed to look even more pleased with himself. “Isn’t it! Your small prayers have been heard, and have been answered! Your wife Elizabeth will soon give birth to a son! Well, I say soon, I believe these things usually take, what, 10 months?”

 

“N-nine months, you’re uh… holiness?”

 

“Right right, nine months! And you must name this son John!”

 

“Why?”

 

“Don’t ask questions, you just have to that’s all! And little Johnny will be a blessing and bring joy to many, who will all be so happy he was born! Rejoice!” Gabriel looked expectantly at Zachariah, almost as if he was waiting for him to start applauding.

 

 After an awkward minute of that not happening, he continued his speech. “He will be great in God’s eyes. Also, he’s not allowed to drink wine or liquor. No clue why that is, but it’s a command from the almighty so it must be important!”

 

How, Zachariah wondered, did the angel keep managing to smile more when he never stopped smiling? It was creepy.

 

“Even before he is born, even as an uh… a pre-human! He will be filled with the holy spirit. Let’s see what else was there?” He fumbled with some notes. “Ah yes! He will turn many hearts to God and so on. Healing souls and making people more faithful. Good stuff.” He paused again, still waiting for Zachariah to cheer or show some sign of excitement. He was a messenger with very good news after all!

 

Instead, Zachariah raised his hand and asked a question. “Mr. G-Gabriel sir, how can this be? You see, my wife and I are both very old.”

 

Gabriel blinked. “What’s that got to do with anything?” He asked, his smile finally fading in bewilderment.

 

“Uh… Well sir, your angelness, old people don’t get pregnant. It’s just not possible.”

 

Gabriel looked affronted. “You doubt me? How dare you? I’m Gabriel, the messenger of God and I was sent to give you this very good news and you doubt me?”

 

“I- I didn’t mean-”

 

“Know this human, what I have said will come true in, nine months was it?”

 

“Oh, um, thank you, um-”

 

“But because you didn’t believe me, and did not think God was powerful enough to make old people pregnant (why is that an issue anyway?) You will now be mute. You will not have the power of speech until after your son is born ten months from now! So there!”

 

And lo, the Archangel Gabriel disappeared in a huffy puff of smoke.

 

Meanwhile, the other priests were waiting for Zachariah outside the sanctuary, and they wondered what was taking him so bloody long in there. When he left, they saw that he was unable to speak. They realized that he must have had a vision. Or perhaps he had breathed too much of the incense in.

 

When he returned home from work that day, his wife Elizabeth ‘became pregnant’.

 

**Jesus’ birth foretold**

When Elizabeth was six months pregnant, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a city in Galilee. There, he appeared to a woman named Mary who was engaged to a man named Joseph.

 

Gabriel appeared to her, materializing through a wall. “Rejoice” He declared “For the Almighty is with you favored human!”

 

She screamed and dropped what she was holding. “Oh, my bad!” The angel boomed. “Do not be afraid! I’m not sure why that’s necessary, but still, sorry for forgetting.” He slumped a little, looking discouraged.

 

Mary was confused. What kind of greeting _was_ this? Still, better to be polite to the huge winged man who had just walked through her wall and was now grinning like an idiot. “Yes?” She asked. “That’s… good, that the Almighty is with me.”

 

“Indeed!” He perked back up, like a golden retriever who had just heard the word ‘walk’. “Ahem,” he continued. “Rejoice! For you will con- conceive? Conceive and give birth to a son! And you must name him Jesus. He will be mighty and called the son of the Most high! God will give him the throne of David and he will rule over Jacob’s house for all time. His kingdom will never end!”

 

“Wait.” She stopped the angel mid-speech. “How will this happen since I haven’t had sexual relations with a man?”

 

Gabriel looked bewildered. “What does that have to do with this?” He asked.

 

“Well you see” she responded, “I cannot possibly be pregnant then.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Oh boy. She sighed. This was going to take a while. She motioned for him to sit, before beginning to explain.

 

“Well, you see.” She began. “When a man and a woman love each other very much”

…

…

…

“What, _really_?” He exclaimed.

“Yes really.”

…

…

…

“It does **_what_**?!” Gabriel stared in horrified fascination.

…

…

…

Gabriel was looked at the floor, stunned. “Well. Well my goodness. That was… Informative.” He stood up. He had a job to do and now wasn’t the time to be thinking about _that_.

 

So he launched back into his speech, trying to regain his cheerful enthusiasm. “Well, fortunately none of that will be necessary, because the holy spirit will come over you and the power of the most high will overshadow you. And that way you will become pregnant, and he will be the Holy son of God and you, her human consort. Um. Rejoice?”

 

Mary shook her head. “How is that possible though?”

 

Gabriel sighed. “Look. Your cousin Elizabeth is six months pregnant. And she is very old, so that’s also not possible, right? Or so I've been told... But nothing is impossible for God.” He Forced a smile. “So is that all cleared up now?”

 

No, it wasn’t, but she doubted she would get a clearer explanation from this angel. “I am the Lord's servant. Let it be as you have said.”

 

He beamed and clapped his hands. “Good!” And then the angel left Mary’s side.

**Author's Note:**

> When I checked where Gabriel shows up all that was listed was Luke 1:5-38. But if anyone knows any other places he shows up, or knows anything with unnamed messenger angels that could be transformed into Gabriel, I'd be happy to write more 'Gabriel is bad at communicating with humans' fics. Just let me know. 
> 
> This is probably the most heretical thing I've ever written.


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